A Beautiful Mind...... A Life of Unspoken Hardships
Monday, May 23, 2005 at 1:10 AM

Don't be surprised that I'm still blogging at this hour. I'm a night owl on non-school days especially if I've slept so much yesterday. I was watching the movie "A Beautiful Mind" on Channel 5 just now. Initially wanted to watch lian zhi feng jing on Channel U but the short review of A Beautiful Mind on the newspapers sounded appealing. Award-winning film some more... In the beginning, the story seemed a little flat and unhappening but I realised this is the kind of movie that will make you go "orh..." as it progressed on. The movie belongs to one of my favourite genres, those that are based on true life stories. It's about the great mathematician Jr. John Forbes Nash. I don't know what contributions he made specifically but apparently his findings rewarded him with the Nobel Prize in 1994. It's some sort of Economics theory.. It's amazing how Maths can link to so many other subjects. Interesting... Back to the movie. I like the way the director filmed the entire movie. Everything was so real that I didn't know half of the events were actually hallucinations of John Nash. I only discovered later when the story progressed to when Nash was brought to the hospital and diagnosed of schizophrenia (a mental illness which the patient suffers from hallucinations) or in Chinese, 精神分裂症. In fact, I still don't know when the hallucinations started exactly. Was he really engaged to decode the numbers by that organization? Coz' he 'met' the man (who was part of his hallucination) after decoding. That really had me stumped.

The later part of the movie focused on his battle with his hallucinations which kept coming back. It was hard to control himself and he was obsessed with codes. After several decades, he was able to control himself by learning to ignore the hallucinations but even into his old age, he could still see them. But he accepted the hallucinations, in the sense that it arised due to his past and his past was part of his life. That is undeniable. There's no way you can get rid of your past, not even when you've got amnesia coz' whatever happened remains a fact whether you acknowledge it or not. This is certainly something worth pondering upon, and definitely worth learning. Many a time we tend to dwell over the past, thinking of all the "what if's". This makes us lose focus on what is more important: the present, the reality. The fact is it has already happened. The fact is God does not allow time to be reversed. Brooding over a definite event doesn't help us achieve anything. The future lies ahead. We have to walk on. But that doesn't mean we can't look back. Look, but don't walk back. Whatever has happened will remain as a legacy of our lives, be it for the good or bad. It is part of our memory and reminiscing the past does no harm. There is no need to dwell on or reject our past. It is part of us. We cannot change a fact, but we can change our mindset about it.

Nash's harrowing experience with schizophrenia really set me thinking. Thinking about the hardships in life. Often we complain of life being hard due to many reasons. Hardship is subjective so I am not here to set a standard for the definition of hardship. Personally, I feel ashamed of myself. I grumbled about my student life that revolves around nothing but grades and stress and other minute stuff. This is my so-called 'hardship' of life. Compare Nash and me. Several decades of physical suffering and mental distress for him and his entire family, versus my 12 years of academic pursuit. My 'hardship' isn't hardship at all! What have I gone through? Some pitfalls here and there and I felt torn apart. I'm not saying that I should be like Nash coz' we are different. But I want to be stronger. Emotionally, intellectually and socially. Nash's life story serves as a big morale boost to my outlook on studies. I'm somehow pumped up for serious work now. And I would say that it is my blessings that I watched the movie =) If possible, I would like to get my hands on his biography, also entitled "A Beautiful Mind".

rhapsody in blue.