Monday, August 29, 2005 at 4:14 PM

I had a dream this morning... I was stranded in a jungle, with all the wild animals around me. I was almost devoured by a jaguar (or some ferocious animal with scary canines) and I was never so terrified in my life, but a tiger and lion came to my rescue. Then I woke up. Silly dream, you'd say, perhaps due to too much TV. But somehow, it suddenly struck me that life is somewhat like my dream. There will always be some dangerous times that snare at me, and doom may even be staring in my face, signaling destruction the next second. But there will always be help. From above. The lion is the king of the animals, and I suppose the tiger ranks second? Isn't this just like our Heavenly Father and Jesus, the Holy Son of God? In my dream, I was so petrified that my head was empty. When the jaws of the jaguar were barely an inch away from my head, only one thing came into mind. "Save me, God!!!" Then help came. And I remember how gentle the lion and tiger were to me, not at all ferocious and menacing. That caught me by surprise. Which leads me to think in my conscious state now, that this is so with the Father and Son. They can be so loving and forgiving, yet so harsh at times, depending on the situation and people. Would I rather have them banish me from their presence than to enjoy their blessings eternally? Definitely not.

This dream left me with much shock, fear and afterthoughts. I think sometimes I'm so cowardy and stubborn that I refuse to believe that I have strayed. Or if I know that I have, I choose to delude myself. But I can't delude God. I suddenly recalled a dream I had a couple of days ago. I was in a temple offering joss sticks and doing what-nots.... I was guilty and remorseful after that and wanted so much to seek God's forgiveness but I didn't have the courage to face Him. Then I woke up. I didn't even think much of the dream after that and have almost forgotten it until now. I think again. The thought of me in a temple offering joss sticks..... It freaks me out. Please do not misunderstand or be offended as I definitely do not have such intentions at all. Religion is a sensitive issue, I know. What I mean is, I cannot imagine myself serving anybody else except my God. It scares me to breach the Ten Commandments. The feeling's undescribable. It's either you feel it or you don't. The fact that I had this dream probably shows that I did harbour such thoughts of going into other religions. I hate to admit this, really. Coz' I desire so much to be faithful to God, yet the devil is always at work on my weaknesses and luring me onto stray paths. I tried to imagine the day that God was totally absent from my life..... Unimaginable and scary. I don't want that. Why is it that I am always playing hide and seek with God and with myself? Why is it that I am tired of it and yet still continue? I hate it.

I know the cause of the thoughts of going into other religions. I don't wish to face up to it coz' it's really hard, and yes, a little painful maybe. But if I have to choose between God and something else, it is definitely God for me. There is no way I can give up my faith for something or someone else, no matter what happens. So, I want to let go. My strength alone is weak. I prayed for God's aid to help me let go of what I have been grasping in my hands. It's unimportant on the comparative scale and in reality, it's not supposed to be important at all, coz' there's nothing to base its importance on. I wish I was as forgetful of certain things as I was with the trivial matters. If only I can have super memory for my exam contents and important stuff, and memory loss for things that I should forget. But this has yet to happen, and I don't know if it will happen.

Often we grumble about our lives and question God, "Where's the miracle? Where are You?......" Actually God is present in our lives, every moment, everywhere. "But I can't see how You are present, God...!!" That's coz' we are blind. I am blind. I prayed for help and miracles countless times. Though my requests weren't granted everytime, miracles have happened before. Just that I was blind. About 6 weeks ago, I prayed very hard for mum. She was coughing non-stop for weeks and nothing seemed to be of cure. The cough was so bad that it was as if she can throw up blood anytime. It was torturous for her coz' she couldn't sleep at night and had to work in the day. When she went for X-ray at the polyclinic, she was diagnosed as a possible case of tuberculosis. Her X-ray showed precipitate in her lungs so the doctor referred her to Tan Tock Seng Hospital for followup. To us, TB was actually a possible cause for her coughs coz' the shopkeeper opposite her shop always has this friend with TB sitting just outside my mum's shop. And he didn't even have the social responsibility to stay further away from people or cover his mouth when coughing. He could easily have spread TB to others, my mum being the most likely victim. I was very worried then, thinking of all possible bad outcomes. All I could do was to pray. I prayed that mum wasn't down with TB, blah blah blah.... That was the time I prayed the hardest and sincerest. When mum came back from TTSH, she told me there was nothing wrong. She took X-ray again and there were no precipitate at all in her lungs. The specialist dismissed her condition as a mere viral infection or something minor. I didn't think of it much when I received the news from her. I was just relieved and glad that all's well. But now I think of it again, how can the precipitate have vanished into thin air over a few hours? There, it is a miracle. But I was blind, I didn't know it. I took the good news for granted.

Today has left me with much thoughts. I was blind, but now I see.... So people, don't complain about no miracles in your life. God is at work every second for you.

rhapsody in blue.