Thursday, September 15, 2005 at 11:07 PM

Changed layout :) I happen to see a recent entry that says I would probably change to a more bright and cheery layout but what you see now is not exactly that. Actually I wanted to have a cheery layout to lift up the spirits of my friends, especially a couple of them who were quite down recently. But somehow when I look through my folders, I find this layout appeals to me most at this point in time. Well.... Actually not that I'm feeling very down or what. It's just that when I browsed through all the layouts I saved, this is the one that seems to agree with my current 'frequency'. Just chose whatever my heart agrees on...

Yeah I said no blogging until after prelim... I blogged that on 24/8. After that, not only did I not stick to my resolution, I even blogged about 10 entries. You can imagine how my prelim is going to turn out. But don't imagine. That's a scary imagination. Yes, scary, but I'm not scared. Maybe I'm suffering from some emotional disorder. Throughout my school life, I have never been this calm and composed when facing exams. No sense of urgency, no trace of fear or anxiety or nervousness. The nearest I felt was a slightly faster heartbeat as I walked towards the hall. But somehow the heart seemed like a foreign body in me. Although it was beating faster, I didn't feel anything significant. When doing the papers, I did the questions rather leisurely, even though there was clearly not enough time to complete the papers. I did take note of the time and set time limits for each question but even when there was only 10 minutes left to tackle a 20mark Physics question today, I didn't get very panicky. Heartbeat was normal -- I checked that. Right hand wasn't shaking, legs weren't trembling. Everything looked as if it was a normal lesson in school, except for the venue and silence. I didn't even feel this way during tests. Maybe coz' I was really really 100% well-prepared for the exams? Haha nope. 100% NO. Even my mum commented that I didn't look like a student going for exams coz' she barely sees me studying. I admit I'm a dead lazy pig, hopeless case. When I feel like it, I flip the notes. When I don't, I laze about doing everything but studying. That's coz' I don't feel a sense of urgency. It's like exams have become part and parcel of life and it's really nothing to be alarmed at. Exams round the corner? Ok lor. Just go and sit for it lah. When one is unprepared for something, he bounds to be nervous or scared. Usually I do. Even when I was well-prepared. But not this time. I don't know why.

I don't know how to describe this feeling. Actually I'm not feeling anything, so I can't describe. I feel as though I'm vacuum -- empty. But not that kind of empty where one feels depressed. I simply think I'm not feeling anything at all, like in vacuum where all objects are weightless, where there's no sound, no air. Any feeling that arises get 'sucked' into this 'vacuum' and disappears even before I know of their existence. But I know they should exist. How to make them break through the vacuum and resurface? This kind of calmness and composure is as though... as though I know what is lying ahead of me, and there is no defying of the fate, so I'm accepting everything. It's as though I have seen through all secular things in life... 看破红尘。I don't know if I'm feeling this calm during this period because I have absolute faith in my Lord or I'm simply being devoid of feelings slowly... Before every paper, I always pray at least once to God for blessings for the paper. I always pray that He will help me remain calm so that I won't make any careless mistakes. I pray that He will help me know He is with me. All along I thought if the paper goes on smoothly (in terms of my emotional stability and partly my ability to tackle the questions), it means He is with me. If this is the case, He has indeed been with me for every paper. But I don't even know if this is the case. But for one thing, I know He was with me throughout this prelim for sure. I only wish that I could feel His presence more strongly...

2 more papers to go: Physics papers 1 and 2. You can guess what I'm going to do on next Monday. Yes, pray.

rhapsody in blue.