Tuesday, September 20, 2005 at 1:44 AM

I'm actually still awake at this time... Another sleepless night. Not coz' of exam stress or what. Coz' I slept too much during the afternoon nap after I got home from school. 6 hours, can you believe it.... As dead as a log. Damn why am I such a pig? LOL~ But I think to be able to sleep without any disturbance (except dreams... I can't help it, I always have dreams) like this is a bliss, a luxury. Haha, excuses... Sometimes I just feel like sleeping like that forever and ever... But I'll miss out on whatever wonderful things around me if I don't open my eyes. No doubt sometimes I really don't feel like facing this world anymore. Just want to leave this place and live in solace. But I keep telling myself, what I think is what I get. If I can only think of sadness, happiness and joy can never find its way into my heart, coz' I have blocked them out. I don't wish to deny the possibility of their existence. Who doesn't wish for a happy life?

To my one of my dearest old pals, you are not alone :) I hope you know that I'm referring to you ;-) Suddenly realised actually we do have some similar problems... You, me and everybody else, we all want to know the real us. Sometimes I wonder if it's normal for me to be actually different in different situations. When I'm with my friends, when I'm in school, when I'm at home, when I'm alone... Sometimes I display different personalities. Sometimes I hate myself for doing certain things which might cause others' displeasure. Even I find myself weird and think that others probably think so too. Which is the real me? Everything compiled together...? Or none of them? I don't know. But I wish to know. The only way to know ourselves better, is probably by roughing it out. Live and experience, then grow and discover. There's always the painful process but I like to keep myself optimistic. For every bad thing in life, there is a good thing to make up for it. I want to believe that there's light at the end of the tunnel and I will emerge from the tunnel if I walk on. Otherwise, there's no point in walking on without visioning what's ahead. It's hard to vision, and sometimes it can be scary too. What if it's not what I thought it to be? But at least I can make myself happy for the moment and give myself a reason to walk on. Whether the end of the tunnel is what I imagined it to be or not, I will know when I reach. Hypochondria? I don't think we are the only ones who suffer from it. No strength to walk on? Never mind. I know I can call on reinforcements :) So can you. Friends are there for a purpose ;) One thing that actually keeps me going is my friends who will be there for me. There will be someone there for you. Believe in yourself and believe in us. Most importantly, believe in God. This is something I need to constantly tell myself too =)

rhapsody in blue.