the warmth, the tears, the love. an ending, and another beginning.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 12:39 AM

The last staff nite with Mabel as our boss speaking to us. I dreaded this day. As in, really dread. Which was why I didn't want to go tonite. Which was why I didn't want to talk when Mandy asked each of us to about what we feel during the chalet, and when Mabel asked the same thing tonite. I cannot ensure my logic will dominate and stop emotions of all kinds from attacking me. Coz I know. I will cry. The first and last time I cried was during my farewell party at the cafe. The whole bunch of people really made me lose control the moment I see the video. And the moment Aunty Judy spoke in the video, I lost control again and cried. I think I want to talk to Aunty Judy. I need to. To thank her for alot of things. And I know I will just end up crying in front of her.

Alot of emotions running through. Alot of thoughts in my mind. But I've never really told anyone about all these. Not even Mabel. In the 1st place, given my position and stand, there is no way I can talk to anyone when it comes to cafe. I am a staff and a friend to all the other staff. But at the same time, I am also the boss' cousin. So what am I supposed to do when people talk bad about the cafe? As in, inevitably there are good and bad things about a work place and about individuals. I am objective enough to see those, but sometimes I cannot speak up for either sides coz' there are some things that I'm not supposed to divulge. Which is why whenever people talk about cafe, I will just listen. If there is really something that I know is not true, then I will speak up. Well... Listening is just my forte isn't it? But it doesn't feel good to hear negative stuff. Coz' I cannot deny, I treat cafe a bit like my own. Not coz' I'm the boss' cousin. Never. Coz' for both of us, as far as we are concerned, in the work arena, she is the boss, I am the staff. No personal strings, no whatever. But it's coz' of the kind of attachment and feelings I have towards cafe. It arises from working there everyday, being through all kinds of storms with it for 8 months, seeing it struggle, grow and pull through. These 3 years is really not easy. I feel esp strong for the 8 months I worked there full time. Then when I went back during vacations, I could see the changes, and it's another kind of emotions and experience. I really would want to see it grow and succeed.

It pains me. To see things reach this stage. To see the cafe that each and every one of us has put in lots of time, effort and love to keep it going change to this extent. True that at least somebody is taking over and it doesn't need to close. But I know. It's different. I know. Mabel feels terrible. I know. I feel terrible myself too. I know. Some staff feel so too. Mabel was very calm about it when she spoke to us. But I know. She isn't, deep inside. Coz' this is her baby. Way before her real son even came on earth. The kind of feelings you get when you see whatever you have slogged and nurtured out pain-stakingly, being ended or given up/passed to somebody.... It doesn't make things any better with the presence of family stress and pressure. Like, when you can't get support for what you are doing. It's undescribable. But I can feel it somehow.

When she hugged me before she left, I couldn't control it anymore. And I made up my mind to tell her. Something that I've been feeling but never expressed. I was a bit surprised I got up enough courage, and I'm a bit embarrassed still, for crying in public. But I don't regret it. She was shocked and I scared her coz' I seemed so abnormal haha. But when I finally squeezed the thanking words out, the tears came out as well. True enough, I didn't really have a choice when it comes to working here. I just had to help out. I just had to sit in the supervisor position that I really doesn't like. But I thank God for that. Coz' of the kind of situation, I knew what I was capable of, if I really try with my heart and soul. Though it was kind of no choice. But I never knew I could run a cafe like that, I never knew I could handle some situations, even though I'm not exactly a good supervisor. The kind of stress, the kind of struggles.... It all made me grew up and polished me. And I really didn't know she felt so terrible over me too. That she cried many a times in the toilet whenever she saw me crying coz' of the stress from work. I'm really a person who cannot take stress. She knows it. But she believes. Believes in me. That I have my own strengths and capabilities. And she wants me to realise it coz' she saw what I didn't see and believes what I didn't believe in myself. I didn't know I made her feel so miserable at the same time. I can feel what she felt then, when she told me today.

And I believe Mabel succeeded in one of her beliefs and missions for her staff. She always holds the belief that for the staff who step in here and work, she hopes that what they bring away with them is valuable life lessons, instead of anything else. I really learnt alot in that 8 months. And thinking back, it's amazing that I pulled through. If it wasn't for the fact that I had to work there, I might have given up long ago and many times too. And I'm glad I didn't, and hanged on till the very last day when I finally had to leave coz' of school.

Many people came in and out. All of them left footprints in my life. Not all still stay in contact, but there are some that I've really grew to be close with.

Mandy - my role model for supervisor. She is the one that I strive to work towards when I was a supervisor. I have loads of respect and admiration for her coz' I've seen how she worked, how she handles certain things/situations etc etc.
Tuan - never really worked much with her. But somehow just became closer though I really don't remember why and how and when. A fun and cheery girl, and I saw that she had potential for supervisor. And I admire her for her qualities.
Peiwen - also never worked much with her and don't know how we became closer. But I think it's a kind of affinity that brought us together again. Coz' despite us being next door school mates in RV, we only knew each other now.
Huiqi - the one whom I intro-ed into the job. I think we grew closer coz' of school and cafe. Cafe is like catalyst haha. But like I finally had courage to tell them tonite, towards PW & HQ, I have mixed feelings. About intro-ing them this job. I know it's not exactly a marvellous job if you weigh the inputs you put in and the outputs you get in terms of salary and tiredness etc. Sometimes I really wonder if I did the right thing. Sometimes I regret a little. Yet, I can see that they also developed a kind of attachment to cafe and the people there. If they weren't here, they wouldn't have experienced all these. But still..... I do feel bad... I do still think about this issue and wonder...
Waiyin - who used to stay over at my house sometimes and we used to go shopping frequently. We really had fun then, though after I left for school, we are not as close as before coz' we were unable to meet up. But the kind of memories we share is definitely there. The times when I was the one who wanted to go shopping but she always ended up being the one buying lots of things.
Yeewei - I will always remember the 1st 2 days this girl came into cafe and ended up catching cockroaches for me. It was funny. And I will always remember all our late night suppers and all the nonsense about head-hunter and pairing people up etc. Stop pairing me with guys lah haha. And our 7-safari thingy, and the no.5 & no.9 inside joke.
Huiying - a really pleasant girl who never fails to bring smiles to people. Really glad for her when I knew that she found her own happiness with the cafe joker Mike haha. It has been nice working with her coz' she really has a very pleasant personality, a kind of special aura. And I won't forget how she sacrificed for my farewell video haha...

And alot of other people whom I can't go on and name out now coz' the fever is making my head spin... It just doesn't help that I'm crying as I typed the entry coz' all the emotions, the past and memories just come flooding into my brain. Alot of things still remain unsaid. Coz' I think it will take forever to finish saying everything. Besides, I doubt anyone would really understand.... So as long as I know it myself....



Tonite was a emotion-filled night. Or rather, I think recently I have been quite emotionally unstable. As in experienced more changes in emotions whereas in the past I tend to be more neutral most of the time.

When ZH mentioned something, I was quite shocked by his thoughtfulness and initiative. It was a pleasant surprise nevertheless. At that moment I felt a surge of warmth in my heart, and I was a little touched, I guess. But at the same time I felt bad coz' we didn't do anything for him back then. We just didn't know the significance of that thing back in our JC days... And when ZH mentioned that CK passed his driving test, for that instant I was happy as if it's my own business. And I really hope ZH will pass smoothly too, though can tell he's quite stressed haha. I think this is the kind of bonds we LEP gang has.



At the same time, I think 2008 is a..... weird year. It started off damn lousy. 2 weeks have passed and I'm still not exactly in good mood generally... Thinking about some things. At the same time, don't have time to think about some things. The very same 'some things' sometimes. Now the weird thing is, I don't understand how similar things can just come at the same period of time, to me. It's just... plain bizarre. Really. And I really don't know what to do about all these. Just more problems at hand. Problems that I really don't like to think about and face. And I wish somebody would teach me what's the best solution out of all these troubles.

rhapsody in blue.